Understanding the Adolescent: Looking Beyond Behaviour to the Young Person Beneath

Written by Maura Carey, MIACP, is an integrative psychotherapist, clinical supervisor, lecturer, doctoral researcher, Founder and Director of Cherry Blossom Therapy. Her professional work includes psychotherapy with children, adolescents and adults, clinical supervision, psychotherapy education and the development of specialist training programmes. Her clinical and academic interests include developmental trauma, identity, relationships, family experiences, emotional wellbeing and understanding the person beyond the presenting problem.

Adolescence is one of the most significant periods of human development, yet we so often speak about it as a problem to be managed rather than an experience to be understood. As parents and caregivers, we notice the arguments, the silences, the changing friendships and the growing need for independence. But what is actually happening for the young person beneath all of this? And what happens to us, as parents, while our relationship with our child is changing?

It can be unsettling watching your child become an adolescent. Think of the little person who once reached for your hand, wanted to tell you everything about their day and asked you to play. Then, almost without noticing, you realise the conversations have become shorter. The bedroom door stays closed a little longer. Friends seem to know more about their world than you do. Sometimes these changes happen gradually, and other times it feels as though the child you knew has become someone you are struggling to understand overnight. It can hurt. You might wonder where the closeness has gone, whether you have done something wrong, or why an ordinary question now seems to lead to an argument. You can miss the relationship you once had and still feel enormously proud of the young person your child is becoming. Both feelings can exist together. Adolescence is a time of change for our children, but it asks us to change too.

For some families, adolescence is a smooth period of growing independence, with the occasional disagreement along the way. For others, it brings considerable worry, frustration, sadness and uncertainty. Parents may describe feeling pushed away, excluded from their teenager’s world or unsure about how much freedom to allow. They may worry about friendships, school performance, social media, emotional wellbeing, sexuality, relationships or decisions their teenager is making. And sometimes those concerns are so significant, they may require additional support. At other times, what appears to be a problem may be part of a young person’s efforts to develop independence, establish boundaries and discover who they are. What makes these years complicated is that parents and teenagers can experience exactly the same situation in entirely different ways. A parent may believe they are offering guidance, while their teenager experiences criticism. A parent may ask questions because they are worried, while the young person experiences those questions as interrogation. A teenager may withdraw because they feel overwhelmed, while their parent interprets the silence as rejection or disrespect. Neither person may necessarily understand what is happening for the other, and both can feel hurt, misunderstood or frustrated.

When we talk about teenagers, we tend to talk about what they do. We notice the arguments, the withdrawal, the reluctance to join family activities and the intensity of some emotional reactions. But behaviour never tells us the whole story. Two young people might respond in almost the same way for completely different reasons. One teenager who becomes angry when asked about school may be struggling academically; another may have fallen out with friends or be frightened of disappointing a parent. A young person spending more time alone might be enjoying some privacy, recovering from an exhausting day or struggling with feelings they cannot yet put into words. I want us to become more interested in what is happening beneath the behaviour, rather than assuming the behaviour itself gives us the answer.

There is also a tendency to describe adolescence as though it is a period families must endure until adulthood eventually arrives. We often hear parents refer to this stage of human development as disastrous, or difficult to navigate, we hear about teenagers mood swings, rebellious behaviour and all the other challenges. Adolescence can be challenging, these descriptions can cloud our understanding of the extraordinary developmental work taking place. Young people are not becoming older versions of their childhood selves. They are developing increasingly complex ways of thinking, experiencing significant physical and neurological changes, forming relationships beyond the family and beginning to establish an understanding of who they are. They are learning how to make decisions, negotiate boundaries, manage disappointment, understand their values and imagine possible futures. These processes are rarely straightforward, and they do not unfold in the same way or at the same pace for every young person.

Growing Into a Changing Mind and Body

We hear a great deal about the adolescent brain, and for good reason. During these years, the brain continues to change in its structure, connections and functioning. Processes such as myelination help communication between different brain regions become more efficient. These developments are relevant to planning, attention, learning, decision-making and emotional regulation. But I would be cautious about describing teenagers as though they cannot make sensible decisions because their brains are developing. Many adolescents show remarkable empathy, insight and responsibility. What matters is recognising that a young person’s ability to draw on those capacities may change with the situation, particularly when emotions are running high or friendships feel at stake.

Let’s think about a teenager who understands why it is harmful to share an embarrassing photograph or video of someone without permission. At home, they can talk thoughtfully about humiliation, bullying, damaged friendships and the importance of privacy. They may be quite clear that they would never do such a thing. Now imagine that teenager in a group chat. Someone shares an embarrassing video of another student. Friends are laughing and encouraging everyone to forward it. The teenager feels the pressure to join in, perhaps worried that refusing will make them the next person to be laughed at. They may forward the video despite knowing it is wrong. Have they suddenly forgotten everything they understood at home? Of course not. In that moment, the wish to belong, the fear of exclusion and the emotional intensity of the group may carry more weight than the consequences they could describe so clearly earlier. This is part of what makes adolescent decision-making so interesting. Knowing the risks and managing a situation in which those risks arise are not always the same thing. And we see something similar in family disagreements. A teenager may understand why a boundary exists, yet struggle to accept it when they feel criticised, ashamed or overwhelmed. That does not excuse harmful behaviour, but it gives us a better starting point for responding to it.

Adults are not immune to these experiences, most of us can recall reacting emotionally during an argument and later recognising that we might have responded differently if we had felt calmer. We may have said something we regretted or interpreted another person’s intentions negatively or struggled to listen because we felt hurt or defensive. Adolescents are navigating similar emotional experiences while continuing to develop the skills, knowledge and confidence that can help them manage increasingly complex situations. For parents, this understanding can influence when and how difficult conversations take place. If a teenager is highly distressed, angry or overwhelmed, that may not be the most helpful moment to insist that they explain their reasoning, consider consequences or appreciate another person’s perspective. Sometimes the immediate priority is to reduce the intensity of the situation, ensure everyone is safe and return to the discussion when there is capacity to listen. This does not mean ignoring what happened or removing accountability, it means recognising that reflection and learning are more likely to be productive when the young person is emotionally able to engage.

Alongside these neurological changes, adolescents are experiencing significant physical development. Puberty brings changes in height, body shape, skin, hair, sexual development and reproductive functioning, and these changes occur at different ages and at different rates. For some young people, physical development is welcomed as a sign of growing older and for others, it can bring embarrassment, uncertainty, discomfort or unwanted attention. A young person who develops earlier than their friends may suddenly find that other people respond to them differently, even though their emotional needs remain those of someone their age. Another who develops later may worry that something is wrong with them or feel increasingly conscious of being different. These experiences can influence confidence, relationships and the developing sense of identity, particularly when young people begin comparing themselves with peers.

Body image can become significant during these years. Adolescents may compare their appearance with friends, siblings, classmates or the images they encounter online. They may become concerned about height, weight, skin, body shape, muscularity or other aspects of physical development. These concerns can be intensified by comments from peers, family members or wider social expectations. Adults sometimes underestimate how deeply remarks about appearance can affect young people. Comments intended as humour, reassurance or encouragement may be experienced differently by the adolescent receiving them. Repeated attention to weight, physical development or appearance can contribute to self-consciousness, particularly when the young person already feels uncomfortable with their changing body. Parents can support a healthier relationship with the body by being mindful of the language used about appearance, including their own. When adults regularly criticise their bodies, discuss food in moral terms or associate attractiveness with personal worth, young people may absorb these messages.

Physical development also brings a growing awareness of privacy and bodily autonomy. A teenager may become uncomfortable with physical affection they previously welcomed or may want greater control over who enters their bedroom or bathroom. These preferences should not automatically be interpreted as rejection. They may reflect a developing awareness of personal boundaries and a desire for greater control over their own body and environment. Conversations about puberty, menstruation, sexual development, hygiene and physical changes should be accurate, respectful and free from unnecessary embarrassment. Young people need opportunities to ask questions without feeling that curiosity is shameful. They also need reassurance that development varies and that differences between themselves and their peers do not automatically indicate that something is wrong.

Sleep is another aspect of adolescent development that can be easily misunderstood. Parents may struggle to understand why their teenager stays awake late into the night, finds mornings difficult and appears exhausted during the school week. It can be tempting to interpret this pattern as poor discipline, excessive phone use or a lack of motivation. While routines and technology use can and do influence sleep, adolescent sleep patterns are also affected by biological changes. During puberty, the timing of the body’s internal sleep-wake rhythm often shifts later, making it more difficult for teenagers to fall asleep early. Most teenagers aged between thirteen to eighteen needs approximately eight to ten hours of sleep, yet early school starts, homework, activities, social demands, stress and digital communication can make sufficient sleep difficult to achieve.

Insufficient sleep can influence concentration, memory, emotional regulation, mood and decision-making. A teenager who is regularly exhausted may become more irritable, less tolerant of frustration or less able to manage demands that would otherwise be manageable. This does not mean that every difficulty can be explained by sleep deprivation, but sleep deserves consideration when parents notice changes in behaviour or school performance. A helpful approach involves examining the teenager’s overall routine rather than focusing exclusively on the time they go to bed. Are they experiencing academic pressure? Are they spending long periods worrying at night? Do they feel obliged to remain available to friends online? Are they consuming caffeine late in the day? Is their bedroom environment suitable for sleep? Sometimes what appears to be laziness can actually be exhaustion, and understanding that difference can change the tone of an entire household.

Identity, Belonging and the Search for Self

As our children move through adolescence, questions about identity become increasingly important. Who am I? Where do I belong? What matters to me? How do other people see me? Teenagers may not ask these questions out loud, but we often see them exploring the answers through clothing, music, friendships, interests, beliefs and the ways they present themselves. A parent may worry when a young person suddenly changes their appearance or becomes interested in a different group of friends. Yet trying out different ways of can be part of discovering what feels authentic. It can be uncomfortable for us to watch, especially when the person emerging is different from the one we had imagined.

Identity does not develop in isolation. Young people learn about themselves partly through their relationships and through the messages they receive from family members, teachers, friends, communities and wider society. Some of these messages support their developing sense of self, while others create pressure or uncertainty. A young person who has consistently been described as the responsible child may struggle when they begin to want greater freedom. Another who has been labelled difficult or troublesome may find that this description becomes part of how they understand themselves. A teenager who has always been academically successful may experience considerable distress when they encounter difficulties in school, particularly if achievement has become closely connected to their sense of worth. These experiences invite us to consider the difference between an identity that is being explored and an identity that has been assigned.

Belonging is closely connected to this process. During adolescence, friendships often become increasingly significant as young people develop relationships outside the family and begin to understand themselves through their connections with others. Being included, accepted and valued by peers can contribute to confidence and emotional wellbeing. Whilst feeling exclusion, rejection or uncertainty in friendships can be deeply distressing. Parents sometimes struggle to understand why a seemingly small social event can have such a significant emotional impact or a friend not replying to a message becomes a huge issue, an invitation that never arrived or an unkind comment online may lead to upset, anger, withdrawal or hours of worry. From an adult perspective, these experiences may appear temporary or relatively insignificant. We have lived long enough to recognise that friendships change, disagreements can be repaired and social embarrassment usually passes. But teenagers do not necessarily have that same perspective, and the meaning they attach to these experiences can be profound. It may be their first time experiencing these feelings, and when they do, it is intense.

Imagine a fourteen-year-old discovering that their closest friends have created a group chat without them. They see photographs of everyone together and realise that plans were made without their knowledge. It is painful enough to feel excluded, but think about the questions that might follow: Do they not like me anymore? Have I done something wrong? Are they talking about me? Am I the only one they don’t want around? A single experience can begin to feel like a statement about who they are. What started as a friendship difficulty can become a much deeper question about worth and belonging.

A parent might respond, ‘Don’t worry about them. They’re not worth your time.’ I understand the intention. We want to take the pain away. But the teenager may hear that we have not really understood what has happened. Perhaps a better starting point is, ‘That must have been really hurtful, especially when you thought you were all close.’ We do not have to agree with every conclusion our teenager has drawn. When the initial hurt has settled, we can talk about what they know, what they are assuming and whether there may be other explanations. We can also acknowledge when friends have behaved unkindly. In my clinical experience, young people are not always looking for us to fix the problem. Often they need someone who will listen while they make sense of it. As parents, it can be difficult to resist the urge to step in, but sometimes listening is the more powerful response.

As adolescents develop sophisticated thinking abilities, they become more capable of considering possibilities, imagining future outcomes and reflecting on how other people may perceive them. These abilities can support creativity, empathy, planning and a deeper understanding of relationships. It can also make it possible to worry about situations that have not happened or interpret events in ways that intensify distress. A teenager who performs poorly in an examination may begin with the thought that they did badly on one test, the thought develops into the belief that they are not intelligent, will never succeed academically or have disappointed everyone around them. Another young person who has an argument with a friend may become convinced that the friendship is over and that they will be left alone. These interpretations can feel entirely convincing, particularly when emotions are intense.

Adults sometimes attempt to challenge these interpretations immediately. We might say, that’s ridiculous, of course you’re intelligent or you’re overreacting, you’ll be friends again tomorrow. Although these responses are often intended to help, they can leave young people feeling misunderstood. Instead, we can become curious about how the teenager has arrived at their conclusion. What made them feel that one examination result defines their ability? Has something happened before that makes them worried a friendship will not recover? Are there other possible explanations for what occurred? These questions can help young people distinguish between an event and the meaning they have attached to it. It is important not to turn every conversation into an exercise in correcting their thinking, sometimes a teenager needs emotional understanding before they are ready to consider another perspective, and not every negative interpretation is inaccurate, adolescents experience genuine rejection, unfair treatment, bullying and discrimination, and their experiences should not be dismissed in the name of encouraging positive thinking, that’s bordering on toxic positivity (I have written an article on this too).

One of the most important distinctions we can help young people make is the difference between doing something wrong and believing that there is something wrong with them. Guilt generally concerns a behaviour or action, a young person may recognise that they hurt someone’s feelings, broke a rule or made a poor decision. Although guilt can be uncomfortable, it may support responsibility, empathy and repair. Shame is different, shame can involve a painful sense of being inadequate, defective, unworthy or unacceptable as a person. A teenager who thinks, I made a mistake, is experiencing something different from the young person who believes, I am a mistake. This distinction matters because shame can become closely connected to identity, influencing how young people respond to criticism, whether they ask for help and how they understand their own worth.

Let’s think about the young person who repeatedly hears that they are lazy, dramatic, difficult, immature or disappointing, over time, these descriptions may become part of their internal dialogue. They may begin to interpret ordinary setbacks as confirmation that they are not good enough, disappointing examination result may become evidence of stupidity, friendship disagreement may become proof that they are unlikeable. Being corrected by a teacher may trigger intense embarrassment or anger because the experience feels like public confirmation of an already painful belief about themselves. Shame does not always appear as sadness or withdrawal. Some young people respond to perceived humiliation with anger, defensiveness or an urgent need to blame someone else. Others become perfectionistic, excessively compliant or reluctant to attempt anything that might expose them to failure. Parents may find these responses confusing, particularly when the visible reaction appears disproportionate to what has happened.

This does not mean that parents should avoid correcting behaviour, Boundaries and accountability is important, the distinction lies in how those conversations are approached. There is a significant difference between saying, I was upset by the way you spoke to me, and You are such a disrespectful person. One addresses an action that can be discussed and changed. The other risks defining the young person through that action. Saying, you didn’t prepare enough for this examination; let’s understand what happened, creates a different conversation from, you’re lazy and you never make an effort. The language adults use can influence the way young people understand themselves, particularly when similar messages are repeated over time. Shame can also develop through peer relationships, social comparison, discrimination and other experiences, so parents should not assume that every struggle with self-worth reflects something they have done. What matters is creating relationships in which young people can acknowledge mistakes without fearing that their value as a person is being questioned.

The search for identity also involves questions about sexuality, gender, culture, religion, values and future aspirations. These experiences are not the same for every young person. Some approach them with confidence, while others experience uncertainty, fear or distress. A teenager may begin questioning beliefs that have been important within their family or exploring interests and relationships that their parents do not fully understand. Adults do not need to have immediate answers to every question their teenager raises, what matters is whether young people feel able to discuss their experiences without humiliation, rejection or pressure to arrive at a particular conclusion. Curiosity can create opportunities for conversation. Asking what something means to the young person, how long they have been thinking about it or whether there is anything they would like their parent to understand allows the adolescent to describe their own experience rather than having an adult define it for them.

Relationships, Independence and the Changing Family

Family relationships have to change as children grow. The teenager who once looked to you for answers may now question your decisions. The young person who told you everything about school may become more private. Activities you once enjoyed together may lose their appeal. It is easy to experience these changes as rejection, particularly when you have spent years being closely involved in your child’s life. I think it is worth acknowledging how difficult this can feel. We are asked to give more space to someone we still feel responsible for protecting, and there is no perfect way of getting that balance right.

Yet the adolescent’s growing need for autonomy does not necessarily represent a rejection of family attachment. Young people can want independence and connection simultaneously. They may need opportunities to make decisions while still relying on parents to provide safety, guidance and emotional availability. This creates an important developmental task for the family. Parents are being asked to adjust their relationship with a young person who is changing, while the adolescent is learning how to exercise increasing independence within relationships that remain significant. Conflict may arise when these needs are understood as competing rather than interconnected.

Consider a parent who repeatedly checks their teenager’s phone because they are worried about online safety, the parent may understand this behaviour as protection, while the adolescent experiences it as mistrust. The teenager may become increasingly secretive, which heightens the parent’s anxiety and leads to further monitoring and over time, both may feel misunderstood, even though each is attempting to respond to a concern that matters deeply to them. Understanding this pattern requires us to look beyond the behaviour of either individual, we need to consider the relationship, the meanings attached to each person’s actions and the ways in which their responses may influence one another. The aim is not to suggest that parents should abandon appropriate supervision or ignore online risks, but to recognise how boundaries are communicated can influence whether they support cooperation or intensify conflict.

Autonomy is not the absence of boundaries, young people need opportunities to make age-appropriate decisions, experience consequences and develop responsibility, but they also need adults who can provide guidance and intervene when safety is at risk. The challenge is ensuring that boundaries remain responsive to development rather than becoming fixed rules that no longer reflect the young person’s growing abilities. A disagreement about clothing or music may not require the same level of parental intervention as a concern involving unsafe behaviour. Similarly, a teenager who wants to attend a social event may be seeking an opportunity to demonstrate independence, while their parent is concerned about supervision, transport or alcohol. Rather than allowing the conversation to become a contest over authority, families may benefit from discussing what independence would look like while identifying the conditions necessary for safety. What information does the parent need? What responsibilities can the teenager take? What arrangements would reduce risk? What should happen if plans change?

Trust develops through experience, and young people will make mistakes, the response to those mistakes can influence whether they feel able to seek help in the future. A teenager who believes that admitting a mistake will lead to humiliation or disproportionate punishment may be more likely to conceal difficulties. This does not mean removing consequences, it means ensuring that consequences are fair, proportionate and connected to learning rather than shame. Parents may also find it helpful to distinguish between situations in which their teenager has acted irresponsibly and those in which the young person has made a decision differently from how the parent would have made it. These are not always the same thing, and recognising the difference can reduce unnecessary conflict.

Family relationships are also influenced by the roles that develop over time, children can have roles within the family, one may be described as responsible, another as sensitive, another as independent and another as difficult. These descriptions may begin as observations, but they can gradually become expectations. The responsible child may feel unable to ask for help, the sensitive child may be treated as though they cannot manage disappointment, the difficult child may come to expect criticism before they have even spoken. During adolescence, young people may begin to question these roles, particularly when they no longer fit their developing sense of self. A teenager who has always been expected to look after younger siblings may become frustrated by the responsibility; another may resist being compared with a brother or sister whose achievements appear to define family expectations.

Sibling comparisons can be particularly influential. Comments such as Your sister never gave us this trouble or why can’t you be more like your brother? may be intended to encourage better behaviour, but they can contribute to resentment, shame and a sense of inadequacy. Even positive labels can create pressure. A young person who is repeatedly praised for being mature or responsible may begin to believe that they must always cope independently and should not burden others with their difficulties, parents may not always recognise the impact of these expectations because they have developed gradually within ordinary family life. Adolescence can provide an opportunity to reconsider them and to recognise each young person as an individual whose needs, abilities and experiences may differ from those of their siblings.

Family circumstances can also change considerably during these years. Separation, remarriage, blended family arrangements, financial pressures, illness, bereavement and changes in caregiving can alter expectations and relationships. A young person may experience different rules across households or feel uncertain about their place within a changing family structure. Parents may not always agree about boundaries, discipline or independence, particularly when they are no longer living together. Although complete agreement is not always possible, young people benefit when adults communicate respectfully, avoid involving them in adult disputes and explain expectations clearly. It is also important to recognise that a teenager’s relationship with each parent may be different, a young person may communicate openly with one parent while finding conversations with another more difficult, this does not automatically mean that one relationship is better or that the adolescent is deliberately favouring one parent. Relationships are shaped by histories, personalities, experiences and patterns of communication. Where abuse, coercive control or safeguarding concerns are present, safety must take priority over expectations of parental cooperation.

The influence of family extends beyond the immediate household, parents bring their own histories, beliefs, values and expectations into their relationships with their children, often without consciously recognising how those experiences shape their responses. A parent who grew up in a highly restrictive household may be determined to offer their teenager greater freedom, another who experienced little supervision may place considerable importance on rules and structure. Someone who felt excluded during adolescence may become especially concerned when their child experiences friendship difficulties. A parent who struggled academically may feel particularly anxious about examination results. These responses are understandable, but they can influence how we interpret our teenager’s experiences. Sometimes we respond not only to what is happening in the present, but also to what the situation reminds us of.

A teenager questioning a rule may evoke memories of being disrespected or ignored, a young person withdrawing from family activities may trigger fears of rejection or disconnection. Recognising these responses can help us distinguish our own emotional experiences from those of our children. It may be useful to consider how disagreements were handled in our families growing up. Were emotions welcomed, dismissed or punished? Was independence encouraged or feared? Were mistakes treated as opportunities for learning or as evidence of personal failure? We may discover that some of our parenting responses reflect values we wish to maintain, while others come from experiences we would prefer not to repeat. Reflecting on our histories does not mean blaming ourselves or previous generations. It means recognising that parenting is influenced by the relationships and experiences through which we learned what family life should look like.

Parents also carry hopes for their children’s futures, sometimes long before those children are old enough to understand them. We may imagine the opportunities we want them to have, the mistakes we hope they avoid and the kind of life we believe will bring them happiness, these wishes are often rooted in love, but they can sometimes become expectations that young people experience as pressure. A parent who experienced financial insecurity may place enormous importance on educational achievement and career stability, another who regrets missed opportunities may encourage their teenager to pursue activities or ambitions that the young person does not share, a family may hold strong cultural, religious or personal values that shape expectations about relationships, education and independence. These values can provide identity, belonging and continuity across generations, but adolescence is also a period when young people begin examining which values they wish to carry forward and how they understand them.

This process can be difficult when questioning a belief is interpreted as rejecting the family itself. Parents may need to distinguish between the values they hope to share and the expectation that their teenager will adopt every belief in precisely the same way. A young person can remain connected to their family while developing different opinions or aspirations. One of the most meaningful questions parents can ask themselves is whether they are supporting the future their teenager is beginning to imagine or primarily protecting the future they had imagined for them. This does not mean that young people should make every major decision without guidance. It means recognising that their lives ultimately belong to them and that the role of parents changes as young people develop the capacity to make increasingly independent choices.

Emotional Life, Regulation and the Importance of Connection

We sometimes talk about emotional regulation as though teenagers should already know how to manage every feeling. We tell them to calm down, stop overreacting or think before they speak. But recognising emotions, making sense of them and deciding how to respond are capacities that continue to develop through experience and relationships. Regulation does not mean never feeling angry, frightened or upset. Nor does it mean hiding feelings until they disappear. It involves gradually learning to experience difficult emotions, communicate what is needed and respond without causing unnecessary harm to ourselves or others. Adults are still learning this too.

Some teenagers can identify their feelings and describe them clearly and others may struggle to recognise what they are experiencing until emotions become intense. A young person may say they are angry when they are also frightened, embarrassed, disappointed or hurt. For example, a teenager who receives criticism from a teacher may return home irritable and argumentative, the parent sees the anger but may not know about the humiliation or anxiety that preceded it. If the parent responds only to the irritability, the conversation may escalate without either person understanding what is happening. This is where emotional understanding becomes important; a parent might recognise that their teenager appears upset and offer an opportunity to talk without demanding an immediate explanation. You seem to have had a difficult day. I’m here if you want to talk. Some young people will welcome this. Others may need time alone before they are ready to communicate.

Parents can support emotional regulation through predictable routines, respectful and open communication, opportunities for rest and helping young people recognise what happens in their bodies when emotions become intense. It may also involve supporting them to develop strategies that work for them, such as movement, music, creative activity, breathing exercises, talking to someone they trust or taking time away from a stressful situation. There is no single strategy that suits every adolescent. Importantly, emotional regulation should not be confused with something else, teenager who stops arguing may still be deeply distressed, a young person who appears calm may be suppressing feelings rather than managing them effectively. The aim is not to produce teenagers who never express difficult emotions, but to help them develop a healthier relationship with those emotions, and healthy ways to express their emotions.

Parents are often advised to remain calm during difficult interactions, but this can be much harder in practice than it sounds, imagine asking your teenager to put their phone away during dinner, they respond sharply, you feel disrespected and raise your voice. They shout back, and within moments a disagreement about a phone has become an argument about attitude, responsibility and everything that has gone wrong over the previous week. Both people may now be responding more to their emotional experience than to the original issue. This pattern is familiar in many families, and it illustrates how emotional states can influence one another within relationships. Through tone of voice, facial expression, pacing, reassurance and the quality of interaction, one person’s response can affect another person’s experience.

Parents cannot control their teenager’s emotions, and they should not be expected to remain perfectly calm at all times. However, recognising their own rising frustration can create opportunities to interrupt escalating interactions. Sometimes this means lowering the intensity of the conversation, acknowledging that everyone is becoming upset and agreeing to return to the issue later. It may mean saying, we’re both getting frustrated. I want to talk about this properly, but I don’t think we’re listening to each other right now. This is different from abandoning the conversation or withdrawing affection. The parent remains responsible for returning to the issue and addressing what happened. Young people also learn from observing how adults manage their own emotions, a parent who acknowledges becoming frustrated, apologises for shouting and returns to a conversation demonstrates that emotional responses can be recognised and repaired, it’s about modelling a way of interacting, that the teenager can learn from how you react.

No family relationship is free from disagreement, parents become tired, stressed, and frustrated, teenagers can be dismissive, angry or unwilling to cooperate. Words are sometimes spoken that people later regret, what matters is not whether conflict ever occurs, but how families respond afterwards. Repair involves acknowledging what happened, taking responsibility where appropriate and finding ways to reconnect, a parent might say, I was worried about what happened, but I shouted at you and that wasn’t helpful. I still need us to talk about the situation, but I want to do it differently. This communicates two important things: the behaviour still matters, and the relationship remains secure enough to acknowledge mistakes. Teenagers also need opportunities to take responsibility for their own actions. Repair should not become a process in which parents apologise for everything while adolescents are excused from accountability. Instead, it provides a way for both people to consider how their actions affected the other.

One of the most difficult aspects of adolescence for some parents is the feeling that their child no longer wants them around, attempts at conversation may be met with one-word answers. Questions about school may lead to irritation, offers of advice may be rejected before they have been fully expressed. It can be tempting to respond by asking more questions, increasing supervision or insisting that the young person communicate, yet connection cannot always be created through greater pressure. Sometimes adolescents are more willing to talk when conversation happens alongside another activity, such as driving, walking, cooking or sharing a meal. Direct eye contact and repeated questioning may feel uncomfortable, particularly when the topic is emotionally sensitive. Parents may also need to become more comfortable with conversations that do not lead to immediate solutions.

A teenager might tell you that they hate school, dislike their friends or feel that nobody understands them the instinct may be to reassure, advise or correct. But before responding, it can help to ask what they need. Would you like me to listen, or would you like us to think about what might help? This gives the young person some choice while communicating that support is available. Connection can also be maintained through ordinary moments that have little to do with problems, showing interest in a teenager’s music, hobbies or opinions, sharing humour and spending time together without an agenda can help preserve a sense of relationship. It is worth remembering that adolescents may reject an invitation one day and welcome it another. Their need for connection can change depending on mood, circumstances and developmental needs. Parents do not need to get every interaction right. What matters is remaining emotionally available and being willing to repair misunderstandings.

The Wider World Education, Relationships and Social Expectations

To understand an adolescent, we have to look beyond what happens at home. School, friendships, romantic relationships, community life and the online world all shape how young people see themselves. Some of these experiences help them feel capable and connected; others bring pressure, comparison or rejection. When a teenager arrives home upset or withdrawn, we may be seeing the end of a day whose most important moments happened somewhere we could not see.

Education is a significant part of adolescent life, and school experiences can influence confidence, friendships, identity and emotional wellbeing. For some teenagers, school is a place where they discover abilities, develop relationships and experience achievement. For others, it can become a source of repeated frustration or a feeling that they are never quite good enough. Academic performance is important, but it does not represent the entirety of a young person’s abilities or potential. A teenager may struggle with written examinations while demonstrating considerable practical knowledge, creativity or problem-solving ability. Another may understand complex ideas but find it difficult to organise written work or complete tasks within a particular time. Some young people thrive when learning through discussion, movement or practical experience but struggle within more traditional classroom expectations.

There are many reasons why educational performance may not reflect what a young person knows or is capable of achieving. Specific learning difficulties, neurodevelopmental differences, emotional distress, sleep difficulties, environmental circumstances and other factors can influence attention, processing and performance. Standardised assessments can provide useful information about particular cognitive skills and learning needs, but they cannot provide a complete picture of a young person’s potential, character, emotional wellbeing or capacity to develop. It is equally important not to assume that academic difficulties indicate low intelligence or a lack of motivation. A young person may understand complex concepts but struggle to demonstrate that understanding through a particular method of assessment. Another may possess considerable practical ability that is not adequately recognised within conventional educational expectations.

Parents may become understandably worried when examination results are disappointing or school engagement declines. Yet before assuming that a teenager is not trying hard enough, it is worth exploring what is happening. Do they understand the material but struggle to demonstrate their knowledge? Are they finding the classroom environment overwhelming? Are they worried about friendships or social situations? Have they begun to believe that they are incapable of succeeding? A young person who repeatedly experiences failure may eventually stop trying, not because they lack ambition, but because continuing to try has become emotionally painful. Recognising strengths outside traditional academic achievement can be particularly important. Practical skills, creativity, problem-solving, compassion, determination and specialist interests may provide young people with experiences of competence and confidence that they are not finding elsewhere.

For neurodivergent adolescents, the demands of education and social life may involve additional complexities. Neurodivergence is a broad term that includes different patterns of neurological development and functioning, autistic adolescents, young people with ADHD and those with other neurodevelopmental differences may experience social, sensory, emotional and educational environments in ways that differ from conventional expectations. These differences should not be understood through a framework of deficit. Neurodivergent adolescents have individual strengths, interests, needs and ways of experiencing the world. Difficulties may arise not only from particular characteristics, but also from environments that do not adequately accommodate their needs, a teenager may manage the demands of school throughout the day but return home exhausted from navigating social expectations, sensory stimulation or sustained efforts to remain focused. Parents may see irritability, withdrawal or emotional overwhelm without recognising the effort involved in getting through the school day. Some young people engage in masking, consciously or unconsciously adjusting their behaviour to meet perceived social expectations. This may involve suppressing natural responses, imitating others or concealing difficulties. Although masking can sometimes help a young person navigate particular environments, sustained efforts to appear comfortable or capable can be exhausting. Executive functioning differences may also influence organisation, planning, task initiation, time management and the ability to move between activities, a teenager who repeatedly forgets homework or struggles to begin tasks may not be demonstrating a lack of interest or motivation.

Parents can support neurodivergent adolescents by becoming curious about their individual experiences, recognising strengths and identifying adjustments that reduce unnecessary demands. Clear communication, predictable routines, appropriate sensory accommodations and collaborative problem-solving may be helpful, depending on the young person. It is equally important to avoid assuming that every neurodivergent adolescent has the same needs. The aim is not to make the young person appear more typical, but to support their wellbeing, agency and ability to participate meaningfully in their own life. This requires us to consider whether difficulties arise from the young person’s characteristics, the demands of their environment or the interaction between the two.

Romantic relationships also become increasingly significant for many adolescents. First experiences of attraction, dating, intimacy and romantic attachment can bring excitement, uncertainty, vulnerability and a growing awareness of what young people want from relationships. Parents may find this period difficult to navigate, particularly when they worry that their teenager is becoming involved in relationships too early, spending too much time with a partner or becoming emotionally dependent on someone else. It can be tempting to minimise the significance of these relationships because they occur during adolescence. Yet a first romantic relationship can feel deeply meaningful, and its ending can produce genuine grief, a teenager experiencing their first breakup may struggle with sadness, rejection, embarrassment or the loss of imagined future experiences. Comments such as You’re too young to know what love is or You’ll meet someone else may be intended as reassurance, but they can dismiss the emotional reality of the experience. Can you, remember your first love? The impact of the breakup? The heartbreak? The hurt? The embarrassment?

Parents have an important role in discussing healthy relationships, consent, mutual respect, communication, personal boundaries, privacy and the difference between care and control. Young people need to understand that jealousy, pressure, humiliation and monitoring are not necessarily signs of love, digital communication introduces additional concerns, including the sharing of intimate images, pressure to remain constantly available and attempts to control who someone communicates with online. These conversations should be age-appropriate, accurate and respectful. Parents may have strong personal values regarding relationships and sexuality, and those values can be discussed openly, but young people also need reliable information and the confidence to seek help if something happens that worries them. A teenager who fears immediate judgement or punishment may be reluctant to disclose coercion, sexual pressure or an unsafe relationship.

Social media has become part of the environment in which many adolescents develop friendships, identities and relationships. It can provide opportunities for creativity, learning, connection and belonging. Young people may discover communities that share their interests, find information that helps them understand themselves or maintain relationships across distance. However, digital environments can also introduce pressures that previous generations experienced differently, friendship disagreements may continue long after the school day has ended. A group chat can become a place of connection or exclusion. Photographs may reveal social events from which a young person was absent. Messages that have been read but not answered can become the focus of considerable worry, for some teenagers, there may be a sense that they must remain constantly available, fearing that they will miss an important conversation, be excluded from plans or lose their place within a friendship group.

Social media can also intensify comparison, Adolescents may encounter carefully selected images of other people’s appearances, achievements, friendships and lifestyles. They may compare their ordinary experiences with representations that do not reflect the full reality of another person’s life. Yet it would be inaccurate to assume that social media affects all teenagers in the same way. The impact depends on factors such as the content encountered, patterns of use, existing vulnerabilities, relationships and the wider circumstances of the young person’s life. For parents, curiosity is often a more productive starting point than criticism. What does your teenager enjoy about being online? Which interactions make them feel connected? Are there experiences that leave them feeling anxious or upset? Do they feel pressure to respond immediately? Do they know what to do if someone behaves inappropriately? Conversations about technology should also include privacy, digital footprints, misinformation, harmful content and the importance of seeking support when something feels unsafe.

Peer influence is another important aspect of adolescent life. Parents often worry about the influence of friends, particularly when young people begin attending social events, experimenting with independence or making decisions that involve greater risk. Yet peer influence is not always negative. Friendships can encourage learning, healthy activities, kindness, creativity and responsible behaviour. However, the desire for acceptance can sometimes influence young people to act in ways they might not choose independently. A teenager may participate in an activity because they do not want to appear different, disappoint friends or risk exclusion. This can be particularly relevant in situations involving alcohol, substances, sexual activity, unsafe driving or online challenges. It is important to understand that awareness of risk does not always translate into avoiding risk. A young person may know that a particular behaviour is unsafe but place greater immediate value on belonging, excitement or avoiding embarrassment.

Parents can support decision-making by discussing situations before they arise. Rather than relying exclusively on warnings, it can be helpful to explore what the teenager might do if they felt pressured. How could they leave a situation without feeling humiliated? Who could they contact if plans changed? Would they feel able to ask for help if they had made a mistake? Some families establish an understanding that a young person can contact a parent for collection from an unsafe situation without the immediate conversation becoming an argument. This does not remove accountability, but it places immediate safety first. Young people also benefit from learning that saying no, changing their mind and leaving a situation are legitimate choices. The development of independence should include increasing responsibility, but it should not require adolescents to manage every risk without adult support.

When Experiences Leave Their Mark

Young people carry their experiences with them. Family conflict, bereavement, bullying, abuse, instability, discrimination or illness can affect how safe they feel and how they respond to everyday situations. Trauma may influence sleep, concentration, memory, trust and emotional regulation. A teenager who seems constantly alert to criticism may have learned to anticipate conflict. Another who withdraws during disagreement may be trying to protect themselves from feeling overwhelmed. I would not want parents to assume that every difficult behaviour means a young person has experienced trauma; the same behaviour can have many explanations. But I do want us to ask what a young person may have lived through before deciding what their response means.

However, it is important not to assume that every challenging behaviour is evidence of trauma. Similar behaviours can arise for many different reasons, and careful understanding of the individual’s circumstances is necessary, trauma-informed approaches encourage us to consider what a young person may have experienced, how those experiences influence their present circumstances and what helps them feel safe, they also recognise the importance of choice, collaboration, predictability and respectful relationships. For parents, this may involve understanding that some young people need greater reassurance, consistency or support when navigating change. It may also require recognising that emotional reactions which seem disproportionate in the present can be influenced by earlier experiences. This understanding should never be used to remove all expectations or accountability. Rather, it allows adults to respond in ways that support safety, learning and development without unnecessarily increasing distress.

Grief is another experience that can shape adolescent development, and it is not limited to bereavement, young people can grieve the death of a loved one, but they may also experience loss through parental separation, moving home, changing schools, the ending of a friendship or significant changes in family circumstances. Some adolescents experience the loss of a relationship they hoped would be different, others grieve the loss of stability, familiarity or an imagined future, adolescent grief does not always look the way adults expect. A teenager may appear sad and withdrawn, but they may also become irritable, distracted or reluctant to discuss what has happened. They may move between periods of intense emotion and apparently ordinary activity. Parents can sometimes interpret this inconsistency as evidence that the young person is unaffected, yet grief does not follow a fixed pattern.

Young people may need opportunities to talk, but they should not be pressured to disclose feelings before they are ready, some find comfort in shared activities, memories, rituals or maintaining connections with people who matter to them. It can also be important to recognise that parents may be grieving at the same time, following a bereavement or family separation, adults may be managing their own distress while attempting to support their children. There may be occasions when additional support from extended family, trusted adults or professionals is helpful. The aim is not to remove grief, which is a natural response to loss, but to ensure that young people do not have to navigate it without understanding and support.

One of the more easily overlooked experiences of adolescent distress involves young people who appear to be coping exceptionally well. When we think about emotional difficulties, we often imagine visible changes in behaviour, we notice the teenager who becomes angry, refuses school, withdraws from family life or struggles with friendships. But what about the young person who causes no difficulties? The teenager who achieves academically, follows the rules, looks after younger siblings and rarely asks for anything may appear to be managing everything successfully. In many cases, they are. However, some young people become highly skilled at concealing distress, meeting expectations or appearing capable even when they are struggling internally.

A teenager may worry that expressing difficulty will disappoint their parents or create additional stress within the family. Another may have developed a strong identity around being responsible, successful or emotionally independent. They may find it difficult to ask for help because doing so conflicts with how they believe others see them. Perfectionism can sometimes become part of this pattern. A young person may set exceptionally high standards, become distressed by mistakes or feel that achievement is necessary to maintain approval. From the outside, their behaviour may appear admirable. Internally, they may be experiencing considerable pressure. Parents can support these young people by showing interest in their emotional experiences rather than focusing exclusively on achievement. It can help to communicate that they are valued for who they are, not only for what they accomplish.

We should be careful not to assume that a teenager is doing well because they cause no trouble. Some young people are achieving in school, helping at home and appearing socially confident while privately feeling anxious, lonely or exhausted. Others really are doing well. We cannot know which is true from behaviour alone. Sometimes the young person who seems to need the least support has become very good at not asking for it. That is why I keep coming back to the importance of knowing the individual young person, rather than relying only on what we can see.

Recognising Distress Without Pathologising Adolescence

Many behaviours that concern parents can occur during ordinary adolescent development. Mood changes, increased privacy, disagreements about independence and shifting friendships are not automatically signs of mental health difficulties. However, it is important not to dismiss genuine distress as something a young person will inevitably grow out of. The wider pattern matters. Parents may wish to consider whether there has been a significant change from the young person’s usual functioning, how long the difficulty has been present, how intense it is and whether it is affecting relationships, education, sleep, eating or everyday activities.

For example, wanting time alone is not automatically worrying. However, persistent withdrawal accompanied by hopelessness, loss of interest and significant changes in functioning may warrant professional attention, similarly, occasional anxiety before examinations is different from anxiety that prevents a young person from attending school or participating in everyday life. Persistent low mood, severe anxiety, self-harm, substance-related difficulties, eating concerns, significant aggression or expressions of wanting to die should be taken seriously. Parents do not need to diagnose their teenager or wait until difficulties become severe before seeking advice, a GP or appropriately qualified mental health professional can help assess concerns and identify suitable support.

If a young person expresses suicidal thoughts, it is important to respond calmly, take the disclosure seriously and seek appropriate professional assistance, asking directly about suicidal thoughts does not cause them. Where there is immediate danger, emergency services should be contacted. Seeking support does not mean that a parent has failed or that something is fundamentally wrong with the adolescent. Sometimes young people benefit from having a confidential, professionally supported space in which to explore experiences they find difficult to discuss within the family. Depending on the circumstances, involving parents or caregivers may also be an important part of supporting the young person.

It is equally important to recognise that adolescence is not inherently a period of psychological disorder. Emotional intensity, uncertainty, disagreement and changing relationships can occur within healthy development. The challenge is distinguishing experiences that are understandable within the young person’s circumstances from those that are persistent, severe or significantly affecting wellbeing. This requires attention to context, individual differences and the young person’s own account of what they are experiencing.

Staying Connected While Allowing Young People to Grow

Understanding adolescent development is helpful, but what does it mean when your teenager comes home and says, ‘Everyone hates me’? Many of us instinctively respond, ‘Don’t be ridiculous, you’ve loads of friends.’ We want to reassure them. Yet they may be trying to tell us how rejected they feel, rather than making a factual statement about every person they know. What might happen if we said, ‘I wonder what’s made you feel that way. Tell me about it’? We do not need to solve the problem in the first few seconds of a conversation. Sometimes the most useful thing we can do is show that we are willing to hear it.

Similarly, when a young person says, you never understand me the instinct may be to defend ourselves, we may want to remind them of everything we have done, the support we have provided and the sacrifices we have made. But the teenager may be trying to communicate that they do not feel understood in that particular moment. Responding with curiosity can change the conversation. I might not understand yet. Can you help me. This does not mean agreeing with everything the young person says, it means recognising that understanding should come before deciding how to respond.

Few statements can feel as rejecting to a parent as hearing their teenager say, Leave me alone. The words may be accompanied by a closed bedroom door, an irritated expression or a refusal to continue a conversation. Parents may feel hurt, angry or frightened that the relationship is becoming distant. However, a request for space does not always mean that the young person wants emotional disconnection. Sometimes teenagers need time to process what they are feeling before they can communicate. They may be overwhelmed by the intensity of an interaction or uncertain about how to explain their experience. A parent might respond by acknowledging the request while remaining available. I’ll give you some space. I’m here when you’re ready. This communicates respect for the young person’s immediate need without withdrawing the relationship. Of course, there are circumstances in which a parent cannot leave a situation unresolved, particularly when there are concerns about immediate safety. But when safety is not at risk, allowing space can sometimes support a more productive conversation later.

Parents may also find it helpful to consider how much of their relationship with their teenager has become focused on responsibilities, schoolwork, behaviour or concerns. Conversations may involve reminders about homework, questions about examinations, disagreements over phones or instructions to complete household tasks. Over time, the relationship can begin to feel dominated by management rather than connection. Ordinary moments matter. Sharing a meal, watching something together, going for a drive, listening to music or showing interest in a teenager’s hobbies can create opportunities for connection without the pressure of a serious conversation. Some young people find it easier to talk while engaged in another activity. A conversation during a car journey may feel less intense than sitting face to face and being asked to explain feelings. Parents do not need to turn every shared activity into an opportunity for emotional disclosure. Sometimes being together without an agenda is enough.

It is important to emphasise that understanding adolescent behaviour does not mean accepting every behaviour, young people need boundaries, guidance and opportunities to learn about responsibility. They need adults who can say no, when necessary, intervene when safety is at risk and help them understand the consequences of their actions. However, boundaries can be maintained without humiliation, and accountability can be encouraged without defining the young person through their mistakes. A parent can recognise that a teenager is overwhelmed while still addressing aggressive behaviour. They can acknowledge the importance of friendships while maintaining appropriate expectations about safety. They can respect privacy while remaining attentive to safeguarding concerns. Understanding and boundaries are not opposing approaches. In many circumstances, they are most effective when they exist together.

Parenting adolescents involves making decisions in circumstances where there is rarely one perfect answer, there will be times when we are uncertain about how much freedom to allow, when to intervene or whether our concerns are proportionate. Reflecting on our assumptions can help us become more conscious of the influences shaping our responses. When my teenager behaves in a way I find difficult, what do I assume it means? Am I responding to what has happened, or to what I fear it might mean? Does my child experience me as someone who listens, or someone who is already preparing a response? What messages do I communicate about mistakes, achievement, emotions and personal worth? Am I allowing my teenager to develop an identity that may differ from the one I imagined for them? Do I recognise their strengths outside academic performance or compliance with expectations? How do I respond when they disagree with me? What did I learn about independence, conflict and emotional expression in my own childhood, and how might those experiences influence my parenting?

These questions are not intended to create guilt, they are invitations to reflect, because parenting is not a fixed set of skills that we acquire and then apply unchanged throughout our children’s lives. As children develop, the relationship must develop too. There may be times when parents recognise that they have responded in ways they regret or that a particular pattern within the family has become unhelpful. This does not mean that the relationship is beyond repair a willingness to acknowledge mistakes, listen differently and make changes can itself become an important part of what young people learn about relationships.

The Young Person Behind the Behaviour

We hear so much about difficult teenagers, mood swings, challenging behaviour and the problems of growing up that it is easy to lose sight of what else is happening. Adolescence is full of possibility. Young people are discovering interests, questioning ideas, developing abilities, building relationships and beginning to imagine who they might become. Some of those experiences will be exciting, some confusing and some painful. Often, they will be all three.

They are not always going to make decisions that adults agree with. They will sometimes misjudge situations, react emotionally, withdraw, challenge expectations or struggle to explain what they are feeling. But adults do these things too. Perhaps the difference is that adolescents are navigating many of these experiences while still developing the knowledge, confidence and skills that will help them manage increasingly complex situations. They need guidance, boundaries and protection. They also need opportunities to make choices, experience competence, develop their own opinions and discover that relationships can survive disagreement.

More than anything, teenagers need adults who remain curious about them, especially when their behaviour is difficult to understand. The young person who closes their bedroom door may still want to know someone is there on the other side. The teenager who argues about independence may still need reassurance that they are loved. The young person who seems confident among friends may be carrying uncertainties they have never shared. And the teenager who never causes trouble may be under pressures nobody has noticed.

We cannot know what lies beneath every silence, and I would not want parents to assume that every disagreement points to a deeper problem. But we can create relationships in which our children know they do not have to be perfect, certain or constantly agreeable to be loved and accepted. We can make room for the person they are becoming, rather than measuring them against the person we expected them to be.

Our children are not here to remain the same as they were when they were little. Growing up means changing, and some of those changes will challenge us. Our task is not to prevent that change or decide every detail of who they should become. It is to stay present, offer guidance, recognise their growing independence and keep building a relationship they can return to, even when life becomes complicated.
Behind the arguments, the silences, the changing friendships and the closed bedroom doors is a young person still learning who they are. And sometimes, before they need our advice, they need to know that we are willing to listen.

Further Reading for Parents and Caregivers

The following books and resources offer different perspectives on adolescent development, parenting, emotional wellbeing and family relationships. They are not intended as a single approach to parenting, but as opportunities to deepen understanding and reflect on what may be helpful for your own family.

Brainstorm: The Power and Purpose of the Teenage Brain by Daniel J. Siegel.
Explores adolescent brain development and the emotional, social and psychological changes associated with growing up. It offers parents a perspective that recognises adolescence as a period of opportunity as well as challenge.

The Whole-Brain Child by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson.
Introduces concepts relating to brain development, emotional understanding and parent-child relationships. It is particularly oriented towards childhood, but some ideas may be relevant when supporting younger adolescents.

The Anxious Generation by Jonathan Haidt.
Examines concerns about technology, social media and young people’s mental health. Its causal interpretations and recommendations are debated, so it is best read alongside broader research recognising variation in how digital environments affect adolescents.